Only in Dreams
by catastrophicallyinlove
Summary: Tessa's heart is split in two, but it may be her mind that decides her fate. Only in Dreams explores Tessa's true feelings for Will and Jem in the privacy of her dreams. Set directly after the end of CP. Rated M for possible lemonade to come. I do not own my cover image, it belongs to the incredibly talented kara-lija over at deviantart.
1. Like Fire and Ice

Chapter 1: Like Fire and Ice

Tessa could not recall how long she had been lying inertly in her bed. She blinked and looked around her familiar bedroom, trying to piece together the events of the day as they all swam together in her mind. Tessa closed her eyes and sighed as she balled the fabric of her bed sheets in her fists. She thought back to the mechanical creatures that had rained down in the Council chambers and Henry's quizzical examination of them. Tessa couldn't fathom any use for them at the Council meeting but didn't think much more of it. Her mind lingered on Jem's announcement of their engagement, the stunned silence that followed, and specifically the look that crossed Will's statue like features for a fraction of a second. Tessa recalled letting go of a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in when Will stood and broke the silence with congratulations. The news of Charlotte and Henry's son to be followed, and soon the whole room was alive with excitement and joy of new beginnings. Tessa hadn't even stopped and allowed herself to feel sorry for the loss of Jessamine. Her body had begun to feel heavy with a sudden tiredness when Cyril had entered claiming that someone of Shadowhunter status had insisted upon seeing everyone. When he returned with a girl who looked no older than fifteen, Tessa's face, she knew, betrayed what she felt. Tessa sucked in an audibly shocked breath and felt blood swell beneath her pale cheeks. She knew who the girl was immediately; it was impossible not to see the breathtaking resemblance between the young girl and Will.

No one said a word. The lighthearted air in the room was suffocated by the silence, save for Bridget's woeful singing about the ruthless robber Bold Brennan in the kitchen. Then, "I apologize for interrupting your dinner hour, but I had nowhere else to go. I am Cecily Herondale, you see. I have come to be trained as a Shadowhunter."

There was a moment's hesitation, then Sophie tore her eyes from where Cecily stood and began to clear the table. She promptly excused herself from the room, followed by Gideon, who looked momentarily from Will to Cecily, but merely shrugged and left the room as well. Tessa thought, rather absent-mindedly, that Gideon was most likely becoming rather used to the peculiar events that happened at the Institute. Tessa trusted that Sophie would explain to Gideon that there were periods of peace at the Institute in which estranged family members did not appear out of the woodwork, but Tessa shook that from her mind. Henry had turned to Charlotte for assistance, as if he were missing some crucial piece of information, but Charlotte did not appear to notice him. She was white-faced and utterly quiet as she stared brazenly and open-mouthed at Cecily. Jem soundlessly moved closer to Tessa and took her hand in his own. Tessa did not move, she only stared at Will, allowing herself this moment to look at him without reserve or guilt. His body was rigid, and Tessa could see that the muscles in Will's back and shoulders had tightened, almost defensively. His face was pale with fear and anxiety, with the exception of the blotches of high color in his cheeks. His eyes shone with what Tessa initially thought were tears, but soon realized was actually a fire that startled her. In a small corner of her mind, Tessa feared that after the announcement of her engagement, Will would never have that sort of passion in his features again.

A larger part of herself than Tessa willed herself to think about at the moment, was relieved to see true emotion from him again, but that same part of her was also suddenly filled with great sadness.

Will veiled his true emotions quickly, and in their place was a mask of cool control. "Cecily," Will whispered. Tessa's legs felt leaden and she was overcome with the desire to approach Will and take his hand instead of Jem's.

Tessa silently scorned herself for such a thought. _I love Jem, I love Jem_. Out of the corner of her eye, Tessa saw Charlotte cautiously approach Will and open her mouth, but Will only held up a hand to stop her. "Everyone," he said. "I need a moment alone with my sister—Cecily." Will seemed to stumble slightly over the word sister, as if he was unsure of its meaning.

"Will," Charlotte started, "We need—I mean, I do not think that—"

"Charlotte, please. I need to handle this on my own accord. I beg of you, all of you, please just go."

Charlotte's right hand closed into a fist and her lips became taut with disapproval. Nonetheless, she let Henry take her by the shoulder and lead her out of the room. Tessa's legs tingled with feeling once more and she took a small step towards Will. Before she could utter a word, Tessa saw as Will closed his eyes as if he were suddenly very tired. "Everyone does not exclude you, Ms. Gray," he said.

Tessa felt as if someone had slapped her. _Ms. Gray_. Will had not spoken to her like that since they had first met in the Black Sisters' house. She did not think he meant it to be cruel, but somehow Tessa had not realized the extent of what had broken between her and Will until that moment. Was this how it would be? Would Will revert back to addressing her formally and only speaking to her as if she were a mere acquaintance? She could not imagine it possible. Yet how could he not? It was what he wanted after all. It was the proper course of action now that she and Jem were engaged. Will had asked Tessa not to tell Jem that he loved her, but she didn't think that meant this. _Please Tessa, don't tell him what I just told you. Don't tell him that I love you._ She didn't think everything between them became expunged, and in its place was this hollow impersonation of their former relationship.

Tessa knew that Will was trying to hurt her enough to leave but her legs had turned to liquid. Upon burning her hand earlier, Tessa realized that all her capacity for emotion had been burned away as well. Now she felt no sadness, only an aching emptiness that threatened to take her under. Tessa swayed on her feet and she felt Jem at her side at once. He caught her hand and steadied her. "My darling," he said, his voice soothing, "Are you alright? You look flushed."

Tessa looked up into Jem's eyes. His dark irises were startling against the pale white of his skin and silver of his hair. Skin and hair that revealed the disease that coursed through his body, slowly dissolving him from the inside. A disease with no cure, which would eventually take him from her. Yet since agreeing to marry him, Jem had seemed better, _well_ even. _Could that be because of me?_ Tessa thought. Could love save a man's life? Tessa searched Jem's face and saw no trace of weakness or fear, only unwavering concern and love for her. Jem's eyes were not ablaze with fire like Will's, but more calm and unwavering. The two were extraordinary opposites, like fire and ice, Tessa thought.

Tessa knew that Jem would love her until the day he died. She glanced at Will and wondered if the same thing could be said about him. After the last few days' events, she wasn't sure. She doubted she would ever know.

Tessa swallowed hard against her dry throat. She saw herself in Jem's eyes and knew that though her love for him was nothing akin to her love for Will, it was a pure love nonetheless. The hollowness inside of Tessa ebbed slightly, and in its place grew a warm sense of understanding that no matter the circumstances, Jem would always love her.

_Jem is my greatest sin._

A part of Tessa was overcome with sadness again, but she shook the feeling from her and instead let Jem hold her.

Tessa closed her eyes and leaned into her fiancé. "I suppose the shock of this evening has made me slightly light-headed, yes. I'm sorry."

Jem nodded. "There's no need to apologize Tessa, it's understandable. I'll help you to your room." Jem steadied Tessa in his arms and looked to his _parabati_. Tessa knew the details of a _parabati_ relationship from the Codex, and she wondered if Jem could be feeling what Will felt in that moment. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling. Will smiled without humor and turned to Jem. "Jem, if you would. I'll be all right, you go on, take care of her."

Tessa glanced up and saw Will looking straight at her. The flames in his eyes had dulled considerably, but they seemed to rekindle slightly at the sight of her. Jem nodded and led Tessa out of the room. She did not look back.

Jem had insisted Tessa let him help her into bed after Sophie had arrived and helped her change into her dressing gown. He sat at the foot of her bed in an armchair and read to her from a leather-bound book of Chinese poetry his mother had given him. Though Tessa did not understand the language, she found the sound of Jem's voice curving over the words comforting. As he read, Tessa rested her hand on the family ring Jem had given her as an engagement gift and watched Jem's lips as they tumbled carefully over each line. After a while he looked up from the book to see her smiling.

"Do you find my attempts at nursing you amusing? I am sure you're finding this rather boring. I suppose I never cared to think you wouldn't understand a word of what I'm saying, but I only hoped—."

Tessa held a finger to his lips. "Shhh. I do not find it boring, on the contrary, I find it very nice. But I'm starting to feel rather tired now."

Jem closed the book and rested it in his lap. He reached out and very gently stroked Tessa's cheek with the back of his hand. "Say no more my dear, you need to rest."

Jem rose from the chair and began towards the door. He hadn't gone far when he turned back slightly to look back at her. "What is it?" Tessa asked. Jem smiled slightly, almost as if he were embarrassed. "It's just, I keep waiting to wake up and find that this is all a dream, you agreeing to marry me. I cannot fathom why you would give yourself to a dying man, but I am so grateful for it Tessa. I love you."

Tessa flushed, but held Jem's gaze. Never had she felt such a strong need to protect someone before; Jem seemed to unlock a part of her heart she did not think existed. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and keep him close to her during the quite hours of the night. Tessa flushed more at the thought of what she was about to say. "Jem, would you—would you mind staying with me tonight?"

Jem looked surprised yet ecstatic and petrified all at once. "It wouldn't—Tessa that isn't the proper way for a man to behave with his betrothed—"

Tessa smiled. "I believe we're anything but proper at this juncture in time, Jem. Would you be so opposed to such a thing?" And Tessa knew he would not be. Without another word, Jem left the room and returned soon after in his own sleeping attire. Tessa moved to make room for Jem in her bed and she let herself fit into the mold of him. Jem smiled as Tessa blew out the candle on her night table and wrapped herself in his embrace. Jem leaned in and kissed Tessa, sweetly and with no reserve, his hands cupping her face.

"I love you Tessa."

In the darkness, Tessa placed a delicate kiss at the edge of Jem's mouth. "I love you Jem."

Soon after, Jem fell into a deep sleep that only those truly at peace can. Tessa lay in the circle of his arms until she felt her eyes becoming heavy. That night, she dreamed of Will.

* * *

A/N: I'm brand new here at FanFiction so please rate and review and feel free to leave comments/questions. This is only chapter one and there is much more to come, so stick around!


	2. Anything For You

Tessa opened her eyes to a black, starry night. The moon hung low on the horizon and glancing down Tessa noticed that she was still wearing the dressing gown she had gone to sleep in that night. As the wind whipped loose strands of her hair around her face, Tessa shivered and silently wished she had worn something warmer. Tessa looked down and noticed that her feet were bare and she was standing on a small stone balcony that overlooked a vast garden. Something about the scenery seemed familiar to her but before she could contemplate anything further, the sound of a door opening behind her caught Tessa's attention.

Will.

Closing a pair of French doors behind him, Will walked to the furthest side of the small balcony and looked out upon the garden below. He did not seem to notice Tessa standing a mere five feet away from him, barefoot in her dressing clothes. Tessa noticed that Will was dressed in the stark black and white dress clothes he had worn to the Lightwood masquerade ball a few days earlier. The _ball_, Tessa thought. Memories of a spider shaped crystal chandelier and fizzy lemonade swam into focus behind Tessa's closed lids. She recalled dancing with Nate in Jessamine's ivory dress and the gold domino mask she'd wore. The balcony she and Will were on was attached to the Lightwood estate. The scene before her was familiar because it had already happened.

Tessa realized she was dreaming.

Yet, this dream did not _feel_ like a dream—it felt too alive and real, as real as the coldness in her toes and as real as Will across from her. Tessa reached up and felt her own cold cheek. She could feel her fingers there, but somehow she did not feel completely _whole_. Tessa knew her feet were firmly planted on the ground but she felt light, as if she could blow away with the wind if she allowed herself to. A wave of familiarity washed over Tessa again and with a start, she realized this was what it felt like to be suspended between herself and the Change.

Tessa drew a shaky breath. This feeling was not uncomfortable, but she knew she was not stably Tessa, and she was not sure how long this oddly conscious dream would last. She looked to Will, who was still enthralled with whatever lay over the edge of the balcony's railing. For a moment, Tessa wondered if perhaps Will was also as "awake" in this dream as she was. The thought of having Will alone with her in this semi-conscious dream state made a faint blush color her cheeks and Tessa silently chided herself for thinking in such a way. Such thoughts were improper for someone in her situation and Tessa knew she needed to push Will from her mind. Yet, Will's arrival in her dream piqued her interest. Curiosity getting the better of her, Tessa took small step forward and whispered, "Will."

For a moment, there was only a heavy silence that hung between them and Tessa wondered if perhaps he had not heard her. But before she could speak again, Will turned to look at her. The wind blew softly through his dark hair in a way that made Tessa's heart ache. All of what had happened in the last few days had been so confusing, Tessa thought. Her heart was utterly torn between the love of two men, neither of which she could bear to hurt. Yet, she _had_ already hurt one of them hadn't she—she had hurt Will. The expression on Will's face when she had explained to him that it was too late for them haunted Tessa every time his eyes met hers. Every time his arm accidentally brushed hers her body seemed to tingle with forbidden electricity that made Tessa blush with shame. She oughtn't feel anything for Will, it was wrong, and she was engaged to be married. To Jem. _Jem is my greatest sin._ How true those words rang with Tessa now. Jem, the kind and gentle boy who loved her, and who loved Will. Tessa could not fathom his disappointment had she denied his request because Will had spoken to her first. And she could not let herself think what she would be doing had it been Will who had proposed first.

Tessa could go around and around in her mind with decisions she made and did not make but the whole thing was beginning to give her a headache. Will's light laughter broke Tessa from her reverie. Tessa snapped her head up to look at him and she realized how his eyes slid shamelessly over her body. She immediately became aware of how the moonlight made her light dressing gown nearly sheer. The blush in her cheeks deepened.

"Stuck in your head again, Tess?" Will teased. He was smiling at her, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the railing. Tessa said nothing.

"You do that occasionally you know. I see it. You get so caught up in your own thoughts that you forget the people around you. In a way I somewhat admire that about you. But do tell me Tess, what was it you were thinking about?"

Tessa thought of the way the moonlight added a touch of silver to the darkness of Will's hair. She thought of the way his fingers curled over the balcony's railing and imagined them curling instead over her wrist to pull her close. She thought of him begging her not to tell any one else at the Institute about his curse and the vulnerability and frenzy that had been in his eyes. Tessa thought of the real night on the Lightwood balcony, the way Will tasted of fizzy lemonade as he kissed her. She thought of his hands removing Jessamine's pins from her hair and holding her close, calling her his Tessa. She thought of her heart pounding in her chest as she wondered whether or not that had been truly Will speaking, or the after effects of faerie punch.

But Tessa did not say any of this to Will. Instead, she asked him a question. "Are you, I mean, are you asleep as well?"

Will smiled. "No love, I'm not dreaming if that's what you were getting at. This is your dream, I'm merely visiting."

Tessa sighed as she realized that she'd been hoping Will's conscious self had been here as well. "So, what happens here you—I mean the real Will, will have no recollection of tomorrow?"

Dream Will shook his head. "But that's not to say that what I do or say is not a reflection of what 'real Will,' as you call him, truly wants or would say. Just because this is all in your head does not mean it is not a reflection of the truth Tessa."

Tessa only stared. She knew that she was not stupid, for lack of a better word, but Tessa could not imagine her own mind conjuring up something like this. Tessa also hadn't thought that she was anything but human but the last few months had proven her wrong in that respect as well. Her power allowed her to become someone else, to touch their thoughts and emotions, so she supposed it wasn't so far fetched that she was able to bring Will's true thoughts and emotions forward in her dreams. She knew Will so well that perhaps she needn't have a personal artifact of his to touch just the edge of his mind. Tessa pressed her fingertips to her temples as her brain seemed to ache inside her skull.

Will chuckled. "There you go again," he said. "Lost in thought once more. Are you alright, Tess? You look like you're in pain. Don't think too hard." He was smiling, teasing her, but Tessa was too weary to pay much attention to it. Instead she longed to be in the circle of Will's arms, the heat of him keeping her warm on this starry night. Tessa wrapped her arms around herself and shivered as tears pricked the corners of her eyes. Why did it have to be so difficult?

"Tess," Will said softly. His mask of teasing dissolved into one of concern as he walked up to Tessa and took her cold hands in his own. He ducked down so that he was eye-level with her, letting go of one of her hands to run his thumb along her jaw. "Tess, speak to me. What is it?"

Tessa only looked at him, into his dark and fathomless eyes. A small tear slid down her cheek and Will leaned in to kiss it away. "Don't be sad Tessa, please don't cry, not for me."

After the days of cold distance between them, Will's tenderness surprised her. Tessa found her body curving into the shape of Will's body, aching for him to close the distance between them. Tessa thought of Jem, but only momentarily. This was her mind, not reality, and anything that happened was not real. In reality, Jem lay beside her in her bed sleeping, utterly unaware of what was happening in Tessa's dreams. "It's still too late," Tessa whispered.

Will smiled halfheartedly at her. "Tess, when will you let yourself feel what you long to feel?" And before she could say another word, he was kissing her.

Will wasted no time on being proper with Tessa—though nothing about him kissing her was proper—as he put an arm around her waist and pulled her against his body. Will kissed her gently on the lips, then with more urgency. Tessa soon found herself gasping for air but did not stop; Will was right, she needed to let herself feel what she truly felt, and there was no safer place to let herself go than in her own mind.

Will's lips left hers as he trailed kisses along her jaw, down her neck and across her collarbone. Tessa reached up and ran her fingers through Will's soft curls, reveling in how soft it felt on her fingertips. Between kisses Will whispered her name, calling her Tess as only he did. Goosebumps covered her arms and exposed décolletage as Tessa shivered from something that was not caused by the cold.

Tessa allowed Will to guide her back until she was pressed against the railings of the balcony. His hands pressed on the small of Tessa's back and he bunched the fabric of her dressing gown in his fists. Tessa gasped and pressed herself even closer to him; Will let out a low growl as he kissed Tessa's neck. Heat coursed through her body, her blood boiled under his touch and her heart slammed into her ribcage in a way that was nearly painful. There was no other feeling in the world like kissing Will, nothing compared to it. Tessa wanted nothing more than to press Will as close to her as possible and feel his skin on hers.

One sleeve of Tessa's dressing gown slipped down and Tessa's bare shoulder became exposed to the cold. Will's kisses ceased temporarily as he cupped her face and looked into her eyes. Tessa imagined her face betrayed her every emotion—she was no good at hiding her feelings the way Will was. She wondered what he must think of her, acting this way with him when she was engaged and Tessa blushed with shame.

"Tess," he whispered, seemingly short of breath. His hair was unkempt and his cheeks were flushed. His eyes burned into hers and Tessa felt as if he were looking right into her, seeing only Tessa and nothing else. Even when she Changed, Will was still able to see her. He always saw just her and something about that made Tessa's heart ache.

Concern flashed across Will's face. "Tess?"

Tessa felt her mouth form Will's name but no sound came with it. He furrowed his brow and shook Tessa slightly. She wanted to tell him he was hurting her, but again, Tessa opened her mouth nothing came out. She tried again to say his name, and got the same result. The edges of Tessa's vision blurred slightly and she felt her knees turn to jelly. She didn't realize she was slipping down the railing until Will caught her up in his arms and carried her towards the doors that lead back into the Lightwood estate.

Fear sent ice through Tessa's veins. She did not want to go back into the hot, cramped room full of demon women and faerie drinks. The memory of the Change slipping from her and the air being pressed from her lungs became overwhelming. Tessa tried to get Will's attention but her body would not move. Will kicked open the pair of French doors ahead and Tessa tried to scream but to no avail. She felt herself gasping for air but it seemed as if her lungs no longer worked either. Tessa felt a tug on her arm and heard someone calling her name somewhere far away. As Will stepped over the threshold there was a white flash, then everything went black.

"Tessa! Tessa wake up, wake up darling. Tessa!"

Tessa's eyes flew open to more darkness. She was tangled in her sheets and her dressing gown clung to her body with sweat. Her heart was slamming in her chest and she gasped, grateful for the intake of cool air.

Jem's voice came from beside her in the darkness. Tessa's eyes adjusted to the dull light and she was able to make out the anxious look on Jem's face. He reached up and gently touched Tessa's cheek. "Tessa. You were dreaming, it was only a dream. You were having a nightmare."

Tessa said nothing, she only looked at Jem. "It wasn't real?"

Jem pushed Tessa's damp hair from her forehead and kissed her cheek. Tessa slid closer to him and allowed him to hold her. "No, it was only a dream, dear," he said. You were thrashing about and moaning in your sleep. I've been trying to wake you up for ages."

Tessa felt tears prick the corners of her eyes. Everything had been so beautiful and real, only to come to a terrifying and dreadful end.

"Oh Tessa, don't cry love. It wasn't real. You're safe here, I'm right here. Do you want to tell me about it?" Tessa shook her head and felt Jem nod in response. Tessa felt ashamed and embarrassed. She had let her mind play tricks on her and she allowed herself to behave improperly with Will, all while Jem had been asleep and unaware beside her. She felt vile and dirty and only wanted to forget the night's events. She knew Jem would want nothing to do with her if he knew, but in that moment, Tessa needed him more than ever. Tessa felt selfish for what she was about to ask but asked nonetheless.

"Jem," Tessa whispered. "Jem, would—would you speak to me in Chinese, perhaps? I know it's an odd thing to ask but there's something about the way your voice says the words that, well it, in a way—"

Jem turned her face to his and kissed her. "Anything for you Tessa."

Though Tessa hadn't the slightest idea what Jem was saying, she thought it sounded loving and tender. Just like Jem. She found her eyes becoming heavy again and her heart slowing. Jem whispered sweetly in Tessa's ear and stroked her arm until she fell asleep once more.


End file.
